Back at it…again

Hey there, it’s me again. My road to 50 got sidetracked and derailed.

If you have seen me in person or in recent pics I’ve posted and thought to yourself, “She’s gained weight,” or “Wow, she’s gotten chubby again,” or “Yikes, she’s let herself go,” or “Holy smokes, she’s put on a few pounds,” you are absolutely right in every one of those statements or any others you might have had run through your head. And it doesn’t hurt my feelings one teeny tiny bit.

They are the same sentiments that have been running through my head.

I have gained weight.

I have gotten chubby again.

I have put on a few pounds.

I have let myself go.

I stopped caring. And I don’t even know why.

This picture was taken on Dec. 15. There were several taken that day and most were taken by my son, Brandon. And when he looked at them, he told me I wouldn’t like them. Not to be an asshole, because he knows his mother so well. He was right, I hated every single one of them.

But I still didn’t care. It didn’t make me get back on the treadmill. It didn’t make me stop eating an insane amount of food. If anything, it did just the opposite. I ate more in fact. I ate and I ate and I ate, like I didn’t have a care in the world. And I didn’t.

And then, I realized that my jeans weren’t as comfortable anymore. I bought a new pair and had to go up a size. And that, frankly, pissed me off. But still I didn’t do anything about it.

And then here we are, it’s the start of a new year.

I am not sure if that is what did it, but I am ready. I am not a resolution person and I wasn’t ready to start on Jan. 1 or Jan. 2, but I am starting on Jan. 3, on Monday. And I am excited. It feels right. It feels like it is time. I am tired on feeling like a can of biscuits ready to explode. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of hating what I look like, how I feel about myself. I am tired of feeling unhealthy. I am just tired. Of it all.

I have tried so many “programs” in my 49 years of life and the only one that has ever worked for me is good ol’ Weight Watchers, which apparently now is just referred to as WW.

So I did it. I signed up again. Tomorrow, I start and I can seriously cannot wait.

I am not going to lie, though, I am dreading the scale. But I know I have to. I have been avoiding it and I know if I hadn’t, I may not be in the predicament I am in now. Maybe. I know it is just a number, but for me, that number is what motivates me. The scale motivates me. And I am doing this me. I am doing what works for me.

I want to get back to how I felt and how I looked in the following pics, which were all in 2015 and 2016. I felt healthy. I felt strong. I just simply felt good about myself.

I think things started going down hill for me in 2017. That was the year my parents died and I was a mess. Their deaths hit me way harder then I expected and way harder then anyone really knows. Losing them changed me. And not in a good way.

It also didn’t help that the last few years I have been in menopause hell. Menopause changed me, too. I have become bitter. I have become more depressed, more irritable, more on edge, more of a bitch, less happy, less of who I used to be and the list goes on.

I want to get back to who I used to be. I want to be a happy person again. I want to have energy again. I want to sleep better. I want to feel like I am in control again. I need to be in control again.

So, here I go. My WW journey is about to start again and you know what, it’s OK. I am OK with it. I am happy about it.

Now I just hope I am as happy tomorrow morning when my alarm goes off SUPER early!